My name is Corey Badgerow and I am the Beanpole.
I started this blog initially to form a coping strategy in order to make sense of what was going on in my life in the beginning of my recovery. The gift of desperation is what initially brought me to living a life in recovery and believe me, I didn't walk into any 12 step meetings wanting to be a better person; I walked in scared and angry and had no frame of reference for what my journey into recovery would look like. All I knew - is that I wanted a way out of the life that I was living and I wanted to stop using drugs. I didn't know how to stop - I tried it on my own many times and I couldn't manage to get past a couple days without using. Before I started working the 12 steps, my life entailed an endless stream of guilt, shame, pain, misery and resentments. I was living a life that included the behaviors such as spending my money on drugs instead of paying my rent, a vicious in and out of jail cycle, and always chasing the next high.
This blog serves the purpose to illustrate the emotional landscape of my life, reconciling feelings about who I was in active addiction with the person I am now in recovery. This blog not only helps hold me accountable to my own program in recovery, but may it also encourage others along theirs as well. This blog reminds me that I have everything I need today and that I've come a long way from where I was. This blog rewards me with an outline of my success and personal growth in which I'm able to see through writing my experiences, helping me to organize the misery of my memories and removing the heaviness that I used to carry with me. It differentiates two roads that I've traveled; one walking through active addiction and the other serving as a platform for exploring the beautiful transformation that I have been gracefully been able to experience.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, some pretty stupid ones too. I'm still facing the consequences for some of them to this day and some of them which I am still facing the consequences for too. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. What matters is that I'm here today and I'm making changes in order to stop living the kind of life that I was living. I went about each day in the past trying to run away from my past, trying to hide what I've been through and living my life in complete denial. I no longer run from my past, I no longer spend each day trying to be someone that I'm not. I'm come to a position today where I love myself and I am proud to be the person that I am today. I've made a lot of mistakes, yes, but I am not ashamed of who I am.
Just a couple years ago, I was living my life as if I didn't care about myself at all or where my drug use would take me. I've chosen to live my life in recovery without the use of drugs so I am able to enjoy every moment in life while living up to my most authentic self each day.
I am grateful that I wake up each morning another day clean as I never thought living one day without drugs was even possible. Here you will find the digital platform of my recovery. I enjoy writing about my life in recovery; which usually will include; personal growth, my addiction, my experience working the 12 steps, relationships inside and outside 12 step meetings, college in recovery, relationships in recovery, my goals and dreams, the struggles and hardships, getting clean at an young age, and the benefits of being clean living a life in recovery.
Here you will find my story of experience, strength and hope. I will also share resources and my experiences of transitioning from a life in active addiction to managing a life in recovery.
I grew up with depression and social anxiety. I started using drugs in high school. I put all my effort into hiding it from my family and the small amount of friends that I had in high school. As I continued to get older, I started losing friends and I started making bad decisions. I didn't really know what I was doing, I always played the victim and I blamed everyone. I was the guy that would crash a plane in the sky and blame it on the road conditions. I was hurting myself and others verbally and emotionally. In 2013, I was hospitalized for mental health and I was diagnosed with maniac depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety, and ADHD. My relationship with my family became strained and I felt isolated from the whole world. For many years, I denied that I had a problem - even though it was clear to me that I did.
I went to rehab, and I was introduced to a 12 step program called Narcotics Anonymous. I kept coming back and I began to find a passion for living a life in recovery. Most recently, I've started writing, sharing, speaking up about recovery and the disease of addiction.
It wasn't that long ago that I was homeless, with nothing to my name. I didn't have anything except the clothes that I was wearing. I didn't even have a toothbrush. There were times that I acted like everything was okay, but for the most part - the last couple of years in my active addiction - I played off like everything was okay. But what many people didn’t know is how dark I felt inside. They weren't really aware of all the pain, self-loathing, and self-destruction that I carried along with me. I couldn’t picture my life without substances until I had no other choice.
I write about my experiences, where you’ll find my stories of hope, love, and strength. My stories include my struggles being homeless, toxic relationships, losing jobs, relapses, managing my emotions, the pleasant and sometimes not-so pleasant times, etc. I write about my experience of living a life in recovery, attending NA meetings, and the overview of my personal growth obtained through working the 12 steps.
WARNING: It's pretty fuckin' awesome.